This week was like a light switch went on in my head, Myles is 16 months old and he is the most adorable little boy with the most beautiful smile with all his teeth, his messy hair which I cant bear to cut again after the hairdressers ruined his innocent baby look. He is highly intelligent and ahead of his age in some many ways but why I haven't I seen all of this before why I have ignored this little boy and probably not spent as much time with him as I should have....I write this as tears pour down my face feeling so guilty.
Alana was a very independent little girl who grew up fast so when Devon was born in the January when she had just turned two in the December it was an easy transition from one child to two children, and despite Devon failing to thrive and eventually been diagnosed as lactose intolerant we were settled into a routine. Having always said I wanted two to three children and not feeling like our family was complete after Devon it was only natural to have the same age gap between Devon and the next baby and after all everyone told me going from two to three was a doddle compared to one to two so seeing as going from one to two was so easy so going to three must be so easy....the power of hindsight!
Before Myles was born we were told he had an enlarged kidney and the possibility of a duplex kidney so that played on my mind a lot when I was pregnant with him and remember thinking at the time maybes I was greedy when I already had two healthy children. When he was born a very fast labour with a 9lb 2.5oz baby resulted in a 2nd degree tear and then the uncertainty of what was happening in with his kidney and the need for immediate antibiotics was an emotional roller coaster.
I can't remember feeling any form of depression when I had Myles, having had post natal depression with Alana which I never admitted to at the time I think I felt more sense of overwhelming, whilst all of this was going on with Myles I still had a 2 year old and 4 year old to look after, 4 year old Alana was a wise little girl who was so helpful and could self entertain when needed. But 2 year old Devon was still very much a baby in terms of development mentally and was nowhere near as independent at his older sister at that age, I was certainly spoilt with Alana so it was a huge shock to the they system and I effectively had two babies demanding my attention and been pulled in all directions possible and somehow Devon won the battle.
After some scans with Myles we found out they weren't too concerned with his kidneys,but in the meantime Myles had developed a high pitch scream and was generally a very unsettled baby causing tension in the household as I couldn't cope, actually thinking about it now there was some depression at the time and we were able to get him seem via paediatricians fairly quickly as experienced told us there was some form of intolerance going on. Once he was diagnosed he soon settled down but I think by that point our relationship was someone tarnished not that I realised it at that point but what I do know is that Daddy was left holding the baby alot so I could focus my energy and time on the big two.
When I became pregnant with Myles I had only been in my job for 3 months so I felt guilt of letting the company down and I went back to work planned when he was 5 months old the only reason I went back was the guilt of letting people down and I do still think it was early to go back to work and has played its part in the way I feel but also needed the respite of work if that makes sense. When I was given the opportunity to do more hours in January this year I jumped at the chance, any excuse to get out the house and escape the hectic home life!
I feel like I'm rambling and maybes looking for excuses for my behaviour surely as a Mum your not allowed to do this, a Mum is suppose to be there for your children yes Dad's are allowed to be hands on but I'm sure your never suppose to be allowed to say I could have spent more time with my child. There are positives in that Daddy and Myles have such a strong bond a bond that Daddy has never had with the other two as he is done so much more in terms of his upbringing in comparison to the other two as I didn't let him do as much as I was at home with them.
I say all of this and I feel tremendous guilt but at the same time I do realise Myles has not been affected by all of this, never once have I not felt love for my baby boy but more that I haven't had the same bond. He always shouts Mammy and he gives me the biggest cuddles in the world and always comes running to say bye when I go off to work the opposite to Devon at that age who would cry when I left the room so I suppose it has made him become a well balanced little boy who is settled with both of his parents rather than just one.
It honestly feels like a light has gone on and the desire to spend as much time with this little boy as possible and not let Daddy be the one to have all the fun with him whilst Mammy has the fun with the big two, he is no longer the little boy who turned our life upside down. The last 16 months have been a tremendous amount of hard work and has put me off having any more babies of my own! I think anymore would send me over the edge if I'm honest and I have seen Myles as a burden at times and that he knocked our routine right out of sync, I have wondered what would have happened if we hadn't happened if we didn't have him but do you know what life wouldn't be the same.
He truly is a wonderful little boy who lights up the room, he has his cheeky little grin and the most infectious giggle when you chase him especially when he knows he is doing something he shouldn't be just so that you chase him! He has started running to Mammy when someone talks to him rather than Daddy, I stand by that he hasn't been affected but I will carry the guilt around with me but its time to make the most of my baby boy before he grows up and moves out before I know it!